


The Path to Isolation

by Neptunium134



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Bleach References, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-02-16 04:43:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18684403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neptunium134/pseuds/Neptunium134
Summary: (Alternative version of My Suicide Note- replaces Fernando)Stoffel’s had a hard time at McLaren, the boss hates him, the engineers think he's stupid and can't drive the car, the fans dispise him.It isn't going well for him.With his confidence drained, it only takes one action to make him rethink his life, and how to end it.Trigger warnings for suicide, suicidal thoughts and bleach ingestion.





	1. It starts, with the unexpected loss   Of something dear

**Author's Note:**

> Note- remember everyone apart from Fernando at McLaren hates Stoffel.
> 
> An alternative take on My Suicide Note, however, any drivers that came before Fernando (Lance, Valtteri and Kimi) are dead. It's just a different driver. Any events involving other drivers in later chapters (Daniel, Charles) stay the same.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS- suicide, suicidal thoughts and actions, bleach ingestion and bullying

 

Stoffel sighed, staring at his hands. He hadn’t had a very good race, barely finishing in front of Sergey’s Williams while Fernando actually got points for the team.

 

He knew of the looks given to him and whispers of the engineers about his actions. He knew if he made one mistake within the team it would spell disaster for him.

 

The Belgian changed into his workout clothes and headed down to the gym on the paddock, deciding training may clear his head.

 

It might help him get better.

 

He froze, hand half in the air to get his water bottle. Fernando spent at least five hours in the gym each day, Stoffel barely two.

 

‘ _Okay, more training. That should do it._ ’ He thought, filling up his bottle, grabbing his phone and earphones and heading towards the gym.

 

 

 

It didn’t do it. Stoffel didn’t understand, he was training so hard, was five hours a day not enough? Did he need to do more, or did he need to be in the car more, talk to the engineers, ask Nando?

 

What was it?

 

He was still pondering it when Zak approached him.

 

“Get changed and meet me in my office in five minutes.”

 

Stoffel’s heart dropped. He knew what was happening.

 

Five minutes later he was in his McLaren polo shirt and jeans, standing outside Zak’s office. He raised a fist and knocked twice.

“Come in.” Zak ground out.

 

The Belgian took a deep breath and opened the frosted door.

 

It was execution time.

 

To his surprise, Fernando was already in there, a scowl on his face which only deepened when Stoffel walked in.

 

“No, you cannot do this! This isn’t fair Zak!” He cried, gesturing at Stoffel.

 

Zak ignored him and picked up a piece of paper. Stoffel instantly recognised it.

 

His McLaren contract.

 

_Rip_

 

The team boss threw the little bits of paper in the recycling bin.

 

Fernando was screaming at Zak, looking ready to physically assault the team boss.

 

Zak gave Stoffel a cold look.

 

“Leave.”

 

Stoffel turned on his heel and _fled_.

 

He practically flew down the corridor towards his driver’s room.

He threw it open, to see his stuff already packed in several bags. An engineer glowered at him and handed him his helmet as he left, squeezing past the ex-driver.

 

Stoffel grabbed the bags, pulling on his jacket and digging out his wallet and car keys.

 

He reached his rented McLaren and drove to the hotel room, his phone buzzing every two minutes with frantic messages and calls from Fernando.

 

The Belgian parked his car and ran up the stairs to his room, desperate to be alone.

 

He opened the door, dumped the bags and collapsed onto his bed, tears finally falling down his cheeks.

 

He thought he was getting better, what was it? He’d trained enough, right? He did as much as Nando did, did Stoffel need to do more because he was newer?

 

Stoffel fell asleep rather quickly, the sobbing using up a lot of his energy.

 

It was just gone midnight when he awoke, jerking upwards from a nightmare.

 

No, a _memory_.

 

The moon shone brightly in the sky, casting an eerie glow across the bedroom.

He padded across the floor and pulled the curtains shut before turning on the bedside light, picking up his phone.

 

 _583 messages from Fernando_  
_121 missed calls from Fernando_ _  
_ BREAKING NEWS- BELGIUM’S STOFFEL VANDOORNE LOSES CONTRACT WITH MCLAREN MID-SEASON.

 

He groaned and turned his phone off, heading towards the bathroom to shower.

 

When he entered the bathroom, he noticed a cupboard slightly ajar. He peeked inside, and it was full of cleaning fluids- drain cleaners, toilet cleaners, glass cleaners, floor cleaners.

 

His eyes fell on the bleach. He knew it was highly poisonous, all strong alkalis were.

 

And bleach was one of the strongest.

 

Not thinking twice, he unscrewed the lid and brought the rim to his lips, tipping his head back and letting the toxic solution run down his oesophagus and pool in his stomach.

 

He felt the burn in his mouth, throat and stomach. Coughing, he dropped the almost-empty bottle and fell onto his hands and knees, hacking violently.

 

His vision got blurry, black spots appearing at the edge and there was a ringing in his ears.

 

He collapsed onto his stomach, arms and legs too weak to hold him as his throat constricted, restricting the air he could get into his lungs.

 

His vision went black and his head banged on the floor, heaving chest slowing as his body went limp.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooo
> 
> Should Stoffel die, or should someone save him?
> 
> It's up to you!


	2. The warmth, that comforted and cradled   Just disappears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fernando finds Stoffel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, you guys wanted to save Stoffel so here ya go.

To say Fernando was worried would be the understatement of the year.

 

He knew how it felt to be dropped by a team- he'd been dropped by Ferrari all those years ago after all- but Stoffel was so young, he had an entire career in front of him.

 

But that was taken away in the blink of an eye because his car was underperforming.

 

He knew life was unfair, but this was just ridiculous.

 

The Spaniard had spent half an hour _screaming_ at Zak after Stoffel had left, half in English, half in Spanish and something that was kind of a mix of both(?) before storming out and racing after Stoffel, frantically trying to get hold of his younger ex-teammate.

 

_To; Stoffel_

_Pequeño, are you okay?_

Sent 15:32

 

_To; Stoffel_

_Stoff?_

Sent 15:34

 

_To; Stoffel_

_Talk to me when you're ready, cariño. Let me know you're okay._

Sent 15:38

 

Fernando checked his phone for the hundredth time that day. Still no reply from Stoffel.

 

He sighed and ran a hand over his face. It was nearly midnight and he was knackered, though he didn't know if he’d be able to sleep without knowing if Stoffel was okay.

 

He had just come out of his bathroom after brushing his teeth and was about the change into his sleepwear when a thud from the room above caught his ear.

 

He frowned, before remembering that Stoffel was on the floor above him.

 

Fernando grabbed both his and Stoffel’s spare keycard and his phone before running out of his room towards the stairs.

 

Up and up and up onto the next floor, skidding to a halt outside room 665.

 

Fernando knocked frantically, desperately praying Stoffel would answer somehow.

 

He didn’t.

 

Fernando knocked again, almost banging the door off its hinges.

 

No response.

 

The Spaniard pressed the spare keycard against the lock, which clicked open, and threw open the door.

 

The bedside light was on, and the bedsheets ruffled, so Stoffel had obviously used them recently.

There was a light shining out from underneath the bathroom door, which Fernando knocked on again.

 

"Stoff? Cariño? Are you in there?"

 

Silence.

 

His breathing quickened, mumbling a quick prayer that what happened to Lance, Valtteri and Kimi didn't happen to Stoffel.

 

He opened the door and dropped to his knees.

 

"No…" he mumbled, looking at Stoffel’s body.

"No." he said again, louder.

 

"NO!" He screamed, banging his fist on the laminate floor.

 

He crawled over to Stoffel and pressed two fingers the Belgian’s neck.

 

His eyes widened when he felt a pulse, a small, weak pulse, but a pulse nonetheless.

 

"Oh my God…" a voice behind him breathed.

"SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE! A KID'S TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF!"

 

Suddenly the entire floor was bursting with noise and people, some trying to get closer to see Stoffel, others in their rooms or the corridor, calling ambulances and police (and Fernando suspected a few news companies).

 

He eyed the bottle of bleach on the floor next to Stoffel, half empty with most of its contents spilt on the floor around Stoffel’s head, like some kind of sick halo.

 

Fernando carded his fingers through Stoffel’s hair, tears running down his face.

 

"I'm so sorry sweetheart. I should've checked sooner."

 

Hands were on his shoulders, pulling him away as Stoffel was placed on a stretcher and wheeled away to an ambulance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what time it is here! Almost midnight! Yay!
> 
> I also have a German speaking exam tomorrow and I wrote this instead of sleeping and revising for my exam.
> 
> But I think this is more important cuz I wanna take Creative Writing at Uni and not German soooooo this is probably more useful in the long run.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, Stoff is alive and Nando is going to be having some words with a certain Team Principle...


	3. And in its place is nothing    Just an endless empty hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The drivers react to the news, and Fernando is angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, you guys wanted people to be nice to Stoff so I made the drivers protective of their little Waffle.
> 
>  
> 
> And introducing Lando!
> 
>  
> 
> I love Lando.

Fernando stomped into the McLaren hospitality the next day absolutely fuming.

 

The engineers quickly scurried out of his way as the fiery Spaniard strode towards Zak’s office.

 

He flung open the door, startling the team boss and making him drop the sheets in his hands.

 

"Yes, Fernando?" Zak asked, picking up his papers.

 

"How could you do this?" Fernando whispered.

 

"I'm sorry?"

 

"How could you do this?" Fernando repeated, louder.  
"How could you throw Stoffel away like he was a piece of trash and put him down so much he trIED TO KILL HIMSELF?"   
He was screaming the last part, alerting the rest of the motorhome but he didn't care. All he cared about was Stoffel.  
"I SAW him Zak, lying on his bathroom floor, bleach everywhere. He's too young, he shouldn't need to go through that."

 

"Lance was young as well, younger. And look what happened to him."

 

"I KNOW!" Fernando screeched, tears falling down his face. "I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO LANCE, AND VALTTERI, AND KIMI! I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AND I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT SEEING IT BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE, BEFORE HE WAS GONE."  
Fernando wiped his eyes.  
"I failed Lance, but I'm not gonna fail Stoffel. He trusted me, and I'm not going to let him die because you're too much of a dick to see what he's capable of.  
"Either we both drive, or neither do. You'll have to find a new lineup mid-season."

 

He turned on his heel and stormed out of the office.

 

His hands clenched into fists, how DARE Zak talk about Stoffel like that? He deserved so much better than this.

 

He overhead some fans with Paddock Passes as they walked by.

 

"I'm just saying, the car hasn't been performing well recently, even Nando’s had a hard time with it."

 

"Nah, Vandoorne was just a shit driver. I'm glad he's been kicked off. Hey, did you hear? He tried to kill himself last night. Failed though, are you surprised? Can't even commit suicide correctly. Pathetic."

 

Fernando gritted his teeth and headed over to where some other drivers had gathered.

 

Dan saw him first.

"Hey mate, you okay? We heard what happened to Stoff. It's shocking, some of the crap they've been saying about him. They believe he did the right thing, last night."

He gestured to some of the so-called fans walking past, deep in conversation.

 

"I can't believe it. I knew he was having a hard time, but I didn't think it was _this_ bad." Max sighed. "Sometimes I wish people would take their heads out of their arses and see how what they're saying is impacting people."

 

There were murmurs of agreement from the drivers, everyone clearly in shock after what they've heard.

 

"We tried to get them to cancel the race tomorrow," Sebastian said. "But the Officials won't listen, saying once a driver no longer drives for a team, they are no longer regarded."

 

"Charles looked ready to kill them." Marcus nodded to his teammate.

 

"They were being mean about Stoff…" Charles mumbled, arms crossed over his chest, eyes steely and icy.

 

"We'll try again a bit later, but they should cancel. It's procedure." Sergio told Nando.

 

"Why don't we boycott the race? There can't be a race if there's no drivers." Esteban suggested.

 

"That's not a bad idea." Lewis mused. "If we all go to the hospital where Stoffel is instead of racing, we'd really be making a point."

 

The drivers all nodded, mumbling agreements as they parted ways.

 

"Zak told me a lot of bad stuff about Stoffel." A small voice to Nando’s right whispered.

 

Fernando turned to see Lando Norris, his new teammate according to Zak, for the season.

 

"He said Stoffel hadn’t been performing and was a bad driver, but I've been in that car and it's terrible. The engine feels like it's gonna catch on fire any moment and the bodywork feels like it's gonna fall off, the suspension's horrible and the gears get stuck.  
It isn't the driver, it's the car. Stoffel wasn’t a bad driver, he was trying to work with a shit car and little experience in F1. I couldn't even match his times, but Zak told me I was already better and I feel really bad and I'm the last person you probably wanna talk to." Lando was rambling frantically and Fernando laughed a little.

 

"I'm not mad at you, kid. You couldn't do anything. They won't listen to us."

 

"Stoffel’s gonna get his seat back, Fernando. We're gonna get him back."

 

"I'm adopting both of you." Fernando said, and Lando laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I made a list of all the teams as of this story is you guys want something to refer to as we have three drivers dead and one in hospital, so a couple of people have been moved and I've added some 2019 drivers to fill in the gaps (as it's an AU to MSN, which uses the 2018 Grid, this also uses the 2018 Grid)
> 
>  
> 
> Normally I love writing this story, but this chapter was a bugger to write.
> 
> Oh well, filler chapters for the win!


	4. The light that showed the way is gone           And darkness takes control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fernando visits Stoffel in the hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this ages ago and I didn't upload it, why?

It was silent when Fernando entered Stoffel’s hospital room, save for the  _ beep beep beep beeping  _ of the heart monitor that told him the Belgian was still alive.

 

The room was big and airy, a large window to the left of the bed and a comfy-looking armchair next to the bed. A TV was positioned on the wall opposite the bed and a small bathroom area that could be curtained off for privacy.

 

Stoffel lay on the bed, as pale as the sheets he was swaddled in. There were dark bags under his eyes and his cheeks were hollow, yet he still somehow managed to look peaceful.

 

Fernando bit his lip. The fact Stoffel had been in such a bad place, he had been so depressed and hurt he tried to kill himself just to rid himself of the pain he went through everyday pained the Spaniard more than he would admit out loud.

 

"When you wake up, you are coming to live with me and I will protect you." Fernando ran his thumb over Stoffel’s cheek.

 

The room fell silent again, the annoying heart monitor giving Fernando comfort the younger was still holding on.

Stoff was a fighter, he knew that. Stoff would fight to the end, even if all seemed lost and hopeless.

 

"You should've told me," Fernando whispered. "I could've helped. Told someone. This isn’t a game, I don't want to lose you. You mean too much to me." The Spaniard wiped tears from his face. "I failed Lance, but I'm not gonna fail you. We can work this out, you can do this Stoff, I believe in you. We all do."

 

He pressed a kiss to Stoffel’s forehead, mindful of the many wires and tubes the Belgian was hooked on to.

 

He left the room as visiting hours came to a close, texting Lando about renovations to his flat for Stoffel to move in to. The Brit agreed to help him and had soon set up a group chat with the other drivers who agreed to help in some way.

 

Fernando smiled as George suggested something. He wasn't going to be helping Stoffel alone, the other drivers would make sure of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, I seem to enjoy inflicting pain on my favourites.
> 
> So Stoff is in the hospital, what do you guys want to happen next?
> 
> (Heads up, me and a friend were discussing this and she said Stoff may not be allowed to race again as he would be deemed a danger to himself and others due to his suicidal tendencies, so do you guys want me to throw that logic down the drain and allow Stoff to race, or have him tutor Lando and be the face of suicide and depression help?)
> 
> Also, who can find the musical reference I only just realised I added in?


	5. Bitterness and anger    Are quick to fill the void

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stoffel finally wakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold on to your seats dear reader as it's gonna be one hell of a rollercoaster from here!

 

It was many months until Stoffel awoke. With each day that passed, Fernando got more and more desperate for the Belgian to wake up.

He knew Stoff was gonna make it, even when several doctors told him it was unlikely, and Stoffel would remain in a coma, possibly for the rest of his life.

 

The Spaniard never gave up hope and visited his teammate every day, sometimes with another driver, but often by himself. He liked his alone time with Stoffel, and would tell the younger all the gossip from around the Paddock, from the last GP win to Dan’s latest prank on Max and the time Charles almost ripped a reporter's head off when they had the audacity to criticise Stoffel.

 

Fernando smiled at the memory, remembering the fire in the Monegasque's eyes and the way he _growled_ at the reporter. Marcus and Seb had to hold him back as he started yelling profanities at the journalist (which of course gained a lot of attention and Charles got a warning from Sauber but no-one really cared, least of all Charles.)

 

It was during one of his recounts did Stoffel stir.

 

His finger twitched. Once, twice, both hands.

 

Fernando stopped his story instantly, leaning forwards as Stoffel’s hand jerked and the Belgian shot up with a gasp, almost getting caught up in the wires attached to every visible part of his body.

 

Stoffel panted, his eyes racing around the room, beads of sweat visible on his forehead as his breaths came in short, sharp huffs.

 

His head twisted, glancing side to side, eyes roaming until they fell on Nando.

 

Stoffel groaned and fell back onto the bed, covering his face with his hands, wires and tubes clicking against each other.

 

Fernando was still in shock. He hadn't expected Stoffel to awake this early, and this violently.

 

"Stoff?" He reached out to the Belgian.

 

"Why?" Stoffel whispered.

 

Fernando blinked. "Why what?"

 

"Why didn't you let me die?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha welp, this took forever to write.
> 
> Anyway, Stoff is awake and aggitaed so expect some bitchy Belgian in the next few chapters.
> 
> (But not to Lando, he's too precious)


End file.
